Adventure Three: “Some Like it Hot” (Revisit)

Written by: David Garber

I know it’s time to do my laundry when:

1. I’m wearing my last pair of underwear in the shower to clean them.
2. I no longer fold or roll up my socks, they stand up on their own in the corner.
3. I wear my sheets to work because I can’t get them off me.
4. My red T-shirt is now green – in places.
5. Even after stuffing a few spring scented dryer sheets to the inside of my shirt, my       girlfriend, Shelby, still says I reek.

Laundromat exterior

While I was transferring a damp wash into the dryer I heard the lady using the machines next to me kind of humming/singing to herself. Her pleasant and playful voice soothingly broke up the monotony of the spin cycle noises, which were truthfully, driving me crazy.

(Go ahead, click and play)

Now I wouldn’t have paid much attention but the tune was one I remembered from an old movie and it was killing me that I couldn’t remember the name of it. So I decided I’d ask. I looked over to the woman who turned out to be very attractive, stunning actually.

Before I could say anything to this statuesque goddess, she smiled at me. “Some like it hot.”

I shook my head, astonished. That was the movie! How did she know what I was going to ask? She pointed to the ‘settings’ knob on the dryer and indicated the wet clothes in my hands and repeated, “Some like it hot — but cold reduces shrinkage… and who likes shrinkage?”

Though she and I might have been thinking about two different kinds of ‘shrinkage’, I couldn’t help realize – This woman was not a woman, woman. She’s THE woman. She’s Marilyn Monroe. And she was talking to me.

“I know guys sometimes can use little tips when it comes to doing laundry. I hope you don’t mind my butting in.”

“Mind? You kidding me? You’re like one of my all-time favorite actresses,” I effused.

“Oh, Sugar, you’re so sweet. Not everyone is that kind. One of my co-stars said I came from the Copacabana School of Dramatic Arts. And after that famous shot of me from behind, walking in ‘Niagara’…

Story3_img2

…a very well-known actress, who shall remain nameless, remarked, ‘There’s a broad with her future behind her.’ Imagine that? She should talk. If the truth be known, that turnstile to her backside rang up more visitors than Disneyland at spring break.”

“You are kidding me! You’re an incredible actress, I mean. It must be amazing to be so famous.”

“Silly… Fame is something I experienced, but that’s not where I live. To be honest, dreaming about being an actress is much more exciting than being one.”

“I’m Kyle. Kyle Benson and if you don’t mind my saying so, you’re one of my fantasies.”

“I’ve been called worse” she said with a smile and a wink. She took my hand which I had extended, “Eww. It’s wet! I hope that’s not from one of your fantasies…” We laughed as we both wiped our hands dry.

“Wet — from the wash — I promise you.” It took a beat to catch my breath. “Whoa, I can’t believe I’m really talking to you.” I saw she had a puzzled look on her face, so I continued. “No, I mean really talking to you.”

“I don’t bite. Dogs do.”

“I suffer from PSD — Paranoiac Schizophrenic Disorder. I see people, dead people, who aren’t really there.”

“Gee, I wouldn’t go around telling people that. They might think you’re crazy. My mother was, you know? And I was put away in a psychiatric clinic back in ’61. Fortunately Joe got me out. You gotta be so careful.”

“If my talking to you means I’m crazy, let me be crazy. I’m talking to Marilyn Monroe… the greatest sex symbol who ever lived. What the hell…“

“Ever notice how ‘What the hell’ is always the right answer?” she offered. “Jack and Bobby used to say the same thing whenever I asked them something? So did my Artie. He was a great writer you know. Really smart, too.”

Marilyn Monroe and Arthur Miller

“How smart could he be? He divorced you.”

“I like you.” She just pondered that for a minute and then confided, “Something I learned the hard way is that men are so willing to respect anything that bores them. You’re not one of those, are you? “

“No. No. I respect my girlfriend and she never bores me.”

Marilyn suggested that before there’s a huge puddle at my feet, that I put the damp clothes in the machine and start the drying process. As I was filling up two machines I noticed she was folding a few ‘revealing’ nighttime lingerie. She caught me peeking at them and shot me an ‘I know what you’re thinking’ kind of look. “Everybody in Hollywood thinks I sleep in the nude. Truth is I wear something to bed every night – Channel No. 5. Shall I let you in on a little secret?”

Marilyn Monroe in bed - alive

Like a bobble head toy, I rapidly nodded.  I must really have looked goofy.

She leaned close to me and in a near-whisper shared, “They reported that when I was found, you know, dead — that I had nothing on. It’s not true. I had the radio on.” She gave off an infectious little girl giggle, having made a small joke. As I pulled back, I was savoring that tiny hint of her special perfume.

When I told her she was funny, she said the trick is to tell jokes, not to look like one. This lady was amazing. She was a lot smarter than she had been given credit for. And then it occurred to me that this was the opportunity of a lifetime to get some advice about dating.

“Marilyn, you’re a woman,” I began.

“So I’ve been told,” she sparkled.

“I was thinking you could help me.  I’ve been going with my girlfriend for a while now and I was hoping to make it kind of exclusive.  I just don’t know how to ask her.”

“Well, you know what they say, “Square-cut or pear-shaped,
These rocks don’t lose their shape, Diamonds are a girl’s best friend.”

Collection of cut diamonds

“On my salary, I can’t even swing a Cubic Zirconia. “Lint is about all I can afford.”

“Well, you’re in the right place for that.”

“But I want to make a good impression on her…”

The siren smiled at me, “You’re doing your laundry. That’s a good start. Shows you care.”

“Oh, I do. Plus I didn’t have anything clean to wear and we’re getting together tonight. Shelby’s really terrific. She’s sweet; she’s kind, and maybe even a little bit shy.”

“Nothing wrong with being shy. I am too, you know? But I do believe that the female body is meant to be seen, not all covered up. That’s the trouble with censors — They don’t make much sense.  They worry if a girl has cleavage. I think they ought to worry if she hasn’t any, don’t you?”

I agreed but quickly changed the subject back to Shelby. “You know, Shelby’s a lot like you, also very sexy.”

“Sex is a part of nature. I go along with nature. As I’ve always said, I don’t mind living in a man’s world as long as I can be a woman in it.” Her smile brought out something special in me, some inner insecurity and she became concerned. “What’s the matter, Kyle?”

I wasn’t sure how open I should be, but then relented, “It’s just sometimes I’m afraid I’ll lose her. And I’ll be all alone.”

Marilyn just shook her head. I had hit a raw spot for her. She blankly shared a seemingly painful confession, “It’s better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone.”

I told her I was sorry if I made her uncomfortable to which she casually responded, “I hope I’m not making you uncomfortable. I tend to ramble… You want to know another thing about me? As much as I always try to be on time I’m invariably late for appointments – sometimes as much as hours. Funny, when you come to think of it, I’ve been on a number of calendars, but I’ve never been on time.”

Monroe_AntiqueRep_Calendar

“That is funny.”

“I know that if I had observed all the rules, I’d never have gotten anywhere. Remember that a career is wonderful, but you can’t curl up with it on a cold night. For that you need a man. A real man. Your Shelby is one lucky girl to have you loving her so much. Be there for her, always, Kyle.”

“I will.”

Hollywood Sign

“Don’t be like everyone else out here. Hollywood is a place where they’ll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul.” Then she hesitated for a moment. Something deep inside of her surfaced before she agonizingly admitted, “No one ever told me I was pretty when I was a little girl. All little girls should be told they’re pretty, even if they aren’t. Make sure, no matter what you may be thinking, you tell Shelby that she’s pretty. Promise?”

I nodded and she smiled, reassuringly.

“People rarely understand me at all. But you do, Sugar. You get me. I guess we’re just two crazy people, peas in a pod, huh? “

She finished folding her last item, then looked over to me. “You might want to put a few extra quarters in those machines… Make sure the clothes totally dry before you go out with Shelby tonight.” Then, out of nowhere, Marilyn leaned in and gave me a little hug and peck on the cheek.

Marilyn then nodded over to the door where Shelby had just entered and was heading right for me, a warm smile on her face.

Story3_img1

“Almost done?” Shelby asked.

“A few more quarters’ worth,” I replied. Then I looked over to where I had been watching Marilyn fold her clothes.  She was already gone. Turning back to Shelby I took her in my arms and hugged her.

“What’s that for?”

I replied, “Did I tell you today that you’re pretty?”

Shelby was flattered and suggested that maybe we should hang out at the Laundromat more often. And thinking about my few minutes with Marilyn and the pleasure I was having with my girl in my arms, I was as happy as I had ever been.

Now was as good a time as any.  I asked her to go steady — “You know, be exclusive to each other.”

She gave me a kiss and said, “I thought we were anyway. ”  Then Shelby curiously began sniffing my neck, “Are you wearing Channel No. 5?”

marilyn-monroe-chanel-no-5.jpg 2
*****

About afewminuteswith

TV, Film Writer Producer MMOG/RPG game quest writer
This entry was posted in Comedy, Entertainment, HOLLYWOOD, Humor, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Adventure Three: “Some Like it Hot” (Revisit)

  1. Allan Alper says:

    I always enjoy David Garber’s writings.

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